The thing about recovering, especially ED recovery is that you end up putting on a few pounds. This is good – its what is meant to happen but it is pretty hard to deal with when you have spent such a long time trying to be “thin”.
Now, with ED recovery and the daily battle with body dysmorphia I am in a constant state of “how can I stay healthy, keep fit and not get too large!” It’s like a little record playing round and round in my head.
My logical brain is in battle with my crazy brain and every morning they have a little scrap! It varies which one wins but it is really starting to get annoying.
What I have decided to do is focus on keeping fit and focus less on trying to be smaller or thinner. I ask people to be honest and tell me if they think I have put weight on and the reason I do this is because I need to know. Since the new year I made a decision not to weigh myself anymore. It wasn’t healthy for me and it would make me spiral if I wasn’t happy with the numbers. Keeping off the scales has meant that I can’t keep track of anything but it also means I don’t know either way.
Making the choice to just focus on being fit and healthy is my way of coping and I am hopefully that when I start to feel better the two sides of my brain will stop fighting every day!
I’m off on holiday this week and rather than the usual “sod it” attitude I am going to use the next two weeks to focus on all sides of my health. My mental health and my physical. Relax, unwind but keep up with fitness and lots of swimming. If I can do this I think it will put me in a good place when I get back!
Obviously the sunbathing and general out of the office time will also be a huge help!