Have you ever sat at the side of your life, watching everyone and everything carry on but you cant seem to jump back in?
This is how I felt when I was at my worst. I felt like I was limbo not being able to move forward and never breaking the cycle. I could see everyone living and I was just waiting, waiting to get better and waiting to be able to jump back onto the merry go round. It’s a really strange way of living your life and it meant that a lot of my memories from that time in my life are really foggy or completely non-existent. I think back to certain times and wonder if my memories are real.
What I didn’t realise at the time was the reason I was feeling like this was because I was detached from the world. I was living in my own head and not focusing on what was going on around me. When you are feeling low it is really easy to escape back into your own head and not to engage with the world around you. I now really try to push through this when I am feeling down. Mainly because its a scary place to be, not being able to remember things is the worst. But also because there are so many experiences I was missing out on.
I often described myself as watching the merry go round and not being able to jump back on. Every time I tried I would fall off again and I was safer for me on the sidelines. The only time I can imagine that someone who doesn’t struggle can resemble this feeling is when they are really tired and their brain feels a bit foggy. Imagine that feeling when you are mentally exhausted and you can’t think of focus properly. This is the feeling when you are suffering with depression (in my experience). Constantly emotionally exhausted and mentally unable to engage you mind, the difference being no matter how much sleep you get it just never seems to go away.
Now I have broken this cycle and I am engaging with life again I am overly sensitive to these feelings and try to nip them in the bud as soon as I can.
When you watch the world go by in a fog it is much less appealing than in a coffee shop when you are engaged with the world!