Living with depression and anxiety is a rollercoaster. Some days you are up and everything is fine and other days are a real grind.
Throughout this blog I have tried to explain how my illness makes me feel and how I cope with it. I do a lot of research myself and follow a lot of people suffering with the same thing as me. (on social media, not in the street, that would be weird!).
Everyone explains things in a different way but until now I haven’t felt that “yes! That’s how I feel” thing…until today. I was watching some make up videos on YouTube, standard Sunday morning. Who doesn’t spend hours watching people put on make up and wish they could do it themselves?! Anyway, I found this video https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nwPQVagUfrU and everything she is saying really resonated with me. It described how I felt, I didn’t want depression and marked myself down on my scores, I felt guilty that other people had worse lives than me so why was I so sad and most of all I felt detached like I was watching my life go by from the side-lines.
This is how it feels to me, when things are bad. I am there but I cant engage with things, I can’t join in and I am living only inside my own head. Watching the world go by, sometimes wishing I could jump back in and move on and other times letting it consume me and just wishing I could build a fort and hide.
I think a lot of other people in my life knew I was poorly before I did but it isn’t very easy to say “Hey, I think you might be depressed!” It is the hardest thing to recognise this in yourself as for such a long time you see it as normal. It isn’t until you come out of the other side that you realise it isn’t and see what life has been missing.
I was going to write all about how this week has felt different, the anticipation of the snow coming and then the complete change in everything and everyone when it arrived. A complete break from the norm and an icy cold tonic for what has been a bleak start to the year. However, when I saw this video I had to share it because if anyone is looking to understand how people feel (and they don’t want to read all my ramblings) then this is a great video – plus you can see how to put make up on and not look like a clown at the end! Winner!