Over the last few months I have been preparing for a number of events. Birthdays, work parties, family gatherings, weddings. This puts me into a bit of a panic most of the time. Fretting about what I am going to wear, what I look like and how much weight I have put on.
One of the things I obsess about is how much I weigh and how I look. It is something that I think I will always struggle with. I click the logic brain in as much as possible but I can’t avoid the feeling of bloating and the worry that people are going to judge me (I know they don’t).
This means I order the entire internet and try it on and subsequently decide that it all looks horrible. I am great friends with the delivery driver and the lady at the post office loves putting all my parcels through on a weekly basis! I do end up dropping a baggy jumper in the odd order to make myself feel better but it is a stressful way to live. I also start everyday with the intention of being on a diet and keeping healthy. Then I get hungry and it all starts again. The daily cycle of my inner monologue.
I spend hours looking on Pinterest or Instagram for outfit ideas and then think they will all look rubbish on me and so the cycle starts again. I always end up looking at how to make a shelf out of pine cones or something else equally as interesting but not very helpful!
One of the hardest things that I am going to have to get over is my body dysmorphic tendencies. I can’t see myself the same way as other people and I’m not sure I ever will. I just have to accept that this is how I am and try and enjoy life. I know that I am not unhealthy or big but I can’t seem to get that into my head. On really bad days I can’t look into the mirror and any outfit I put on I hate. The closer to the event or occasion I get the worse this becomes, I get really anxious about it and withdraw into myself.
As with everything, I have been talking to friends about this over the last few weeks and as long as I am exercising and keeping as healthy as possible then that is all OK. There shouldn’t be any pressure to look a certain way and I know that, I just need to remind myself of this from time to time! I need to rework on establishing who I am and feel proud of that so I can put this fretting behind me and enjoy things.