Over the course of the last 18 months I have continued to live my life and from the outside world it would appear to be pretty normally (as normal as normal is!).
One thing that I have struggled with is my memory. I think back to events or even moments from the past few years and I can’t remember them. I have been having a think about why that is and using my CBT skills to work it out.
I have realised I was living in a fog, staying within my own head. This has meant that moments and memories haven’t stayed in place as well as they should have. I know I have been to places but I have to think really hard to remember them. By staying in my own head I wasn’t present in the moment. I was there in person but my mind wasn’t there.
This has made the memories fuzzy and slightly dark around the edges. On really bad days I can’t remember them at all. Conversations that I have had or places I have been, I have to use photos to remind myself what I did.
Something that I have been trying to do more recently is live outside of my head. Force myself to be present in the moment. This doesn’t necessarily mean joining in and being the centre of attention but listening and engaging with what people are saying. Really focusing on what is happening and being within that moment. This helps to solidify the memories and forget any insecurities I am feeling.
A lot of the time the reason I am within my own head is because I am insecure within my surroundings, whether that is because I am worried about how I look and start to compare myself to others or feel uncomfortable where I am because it is loud and I can’t hear what is happening. It’s so easy to slip into my own head and disengage with the situation.
I still spend a lot of time worrying about upcoming situations and obsessing around what to wear and how I will look. I always want to feel nice so that I don’t end up comparing myself to others. This is really hard to do when you continue to obsess over it. Whatever I try on and whatever I decide to wear I find fault with. There is always something that isn’t quite right and that tips the whole event on its head. I keep telling myself that people won’t know (or care) what I am wearing or pay that much attention to me. They will be too busy enjoying themselves!
Cue my old friend logic – force that part of my brain into action and encourage myself to stop worrying and just focus on having a good time!!