This is a difficult subject for me. It’s one that I have been struggling with for years and have only just started to talk about. Which makes this blog the hardest one I have written. It’s taken a while!
Food to me is necessary rather than enjoyable. I struggle with big meals out and seasons where food it at the centre, I don’t enjoy sitting and eating, planning meals or being around food. A lot of food makes me feel ill, makes me sick or causes me to have stomach pains. I have established this is my body not knowing what to do with things after such a long time not having them.
The reasons behind fearing foods and by default disliking my appearance stem from many years of being picked on for being bigger than other girls, people mentioning that I looked different and then eventually actually becoming much bigger. Looking back now I can see that I wasn’t fat at school, kids are just cruel!
One thing I can say is that struggling with your appearance and food consumption every day is tiring. Waking up everyday feeling disappointed, stressing about what to wear and starting the day on yet another diet. Cutting things out, not eating at all or eating “normally” and then over exercising to get rid of those calories. It starts to get you down.
After my therapy I started to eat normally and for a while it didn’t have any huge affect on my weight, I didn’t suddenly become obese as I had feared. Over time my weight has crept up which I find troubling, and started to get close to old habits. My new friend logic kicks in a lot more now and stops me from slipping but it is very hard.
I still read a menu before heading to a restaurant so I can choose what to eat before I get there and I still freak out when I’m not able to control what I eat due to time restrictions or circumstances, but I have learned to sit with these feelings and work through them.
This is an ongoing recovery and one that I fear I may never be completely over but I am very determined and want to be able to move on and progress with life without the food fear popping it’s little head up.